"A Guilt Complex":
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The decorated food on the table of an expensive restaurant hadn’t gone down to the throat of Samir today. The sweet soft echoing musical sound was also irritating him. The noise made by his children in the morning for not getting fruity juice to have, was echoing in his ears. He was feeling a strange experience of the live of children. Many sights of quarrel, among the children who fight for the delicious dishes laid on the table, come to lure his eyes. Many incidents like these happen to come around his eyes. The outcry of his wife for help swamped in the swamping lack echoes in his ears. He doesn’t know himself why this is happening in him today. How did his mind happen to change abruptly? He is astonished himself.
“Sameer, please customize a sweet song. It’s really a boring one,” Ujjwal (a son of a rich man) says gulping beer.
“I don’t have mood today. I feel like going house today,” Samir says in his gloomy face.
“No.. Mood is to be created. Gulp some draughts of beer that makes you fresh! You go on making your mood fresh while I go to phone to Deepak(s) whether they come or not,” Ujjwal stands patting on Samir’s shoulder.
Exhaling a long breath, Samir gulps the beer of a glass. The beer tastes salty to him. He is surprised to find the bee as salt water. He was taking its taste almost everyday. Why is it changed in its taste today? Is it not the illusion? He has a next draught. This time he finds it tastes like tears that he had tasted several times in his childhood.
Remembering the tears of his childhood he remembers his son’s cry for not getting to have fruity juice in the morning & the tears of his wife, Sharada for not being able to buy it. Some feelings from within him caused his eyes to be wet this time too. He thinks it was tears, not the draught of beer he was gulping that his families were dropping for years. The tears, which he didn’t value, were suffering him today, Perhaps he wouldn’t have felt in this way if he hadn’t heard his son’s cry this morning.
Samir was in his bed. Son says waking up early in the morning, ‘Mother, fruity has a sweet taste, doesn’t it? I dreamed I was drinking fruity juice this night. Dinesh bought for me. Dinehs, Raju and me drank the same fruity. I got only a little. Mother, give me a real fruity today, I will drink alone not giving to Dinesh.”
“Mother doesn’t have money, my son. It cost much.”
“No… It doesn’t cost much, only nine rupees.” I know Rabi bought it yesterday. He drank alone, didn’t give us. Mother, buy me one ok?” he insists his mother for filling his thirst.
In the beginning she tries to console him but goes in vain. She slaps him not finding the way out. He starts to cry. Sarada mumbles, “There is not any money even for medicine if a dead body would live & he needs fruity. It has been had to survive by his father earning. It’s not a good way to be sold myself. How I can provide the good food. Father has no other work than finding new inns. You aren’t only my son, you can even say to your father. He should have money to buy a fruity when he has money to drink alcohol!
Samir had felt in his pocket because of the arrow of words shot by his wife. He had only five rupees as it was the end of month. The arrow remained entagling in his heart, had no courage to remove it. Since the day he was feeling his flaw. Now he couldn’t deny the proposal of Ujjwal that would fill his thirst too. But the dishes laid on the table disdained him. He was asked many questions by his intuition. “Do you deserve to have these dishes, gulping bear & enjoying with the songs?”
He startles once & speaks himself, “Am I drinking with my money? Why don’t I enjoy if it has been more money for someone?”
“Mean!” He startles hearing the abusing word from his intuition. He looks around him whether someone heard as well. After he is convinced he again listens to the voice of his intuition. Should I gobble everything if I am allowed? If I enjoy today in other’s money, should be able to spend myself tomorrow. You haven’t any sense of morality. Are you also a man? You are below the level of animals. Animals at least feed their babies first & have themselves next but you. (In laughter of mockery) looks only your belly. (Ridiculing himself) Enjoy! Enjoy!! You had to spend your own money. Some other is spending. You may not get that money even if you don’t gobble. Gulp the beer if you have to, otherwise you have to gulp only local wine in your own expense. Gobble these all the delicious dishes as much as you can. It will, at least support to reduce your expense at home. Your wife can have a full of stomach with the food kept for you. What a great welfare to wife! He has a mocking laughter talking to himself.
The feeling from his intuition writhe him. Urged by the same emotion, he happens to throw the glass he was holding. It is just glass, (he smashes) perhaps his heart was also made of glass. So it was smashed by the word arisen from his intuition. His power of soul is very weak, everybody could drive it. He has no capacity to distinguish good & evil. The mind without self- power is like raw clay & gets mould as one wants. It becomes a pot in the hand of potter & image in the hand of sculptor. It gives not any proper share in the hand of stupid. Are all the people of society good? Is it good to be a where, gambler or drunkard being in the hand of evil?
“Samir! Samir!!” Samir startles by the voice of Ujjwal & glares at him with anger.
Ujjwa, getting astonished,” what happened? How did this glass break?”
“I don’t know what happened, my mind is not working. I go to house, Ujjwal.”
“I will drop you if you aren’t well,” says Ujjwal.
“No, I can go. Perhaps Deepak (s) are also coming. (Repeating) Don’t mind for today. I don’t know what happened to me suddenly.”
“Ok, go carefully” He has a long breath of relief coming out from the restaurant. He feels, as he is free from the prison. He goes on foot for he has not money in the pocket. Shortly, a feeling of love arises in his heart. First time in his life he thinks about the future by the love of his family. All the mistakes he made in life come around his eyes one by one
Samir was good in childhood grown in difficulties by his widow mother. She had sent him to school facing every problem that came on her way. He passed SLC in good division but he adopted bad habits in college life because of his weak mentality. She joined him in a job on request to others seeing his changing mentality. He got changed more than usual by the money he earned. She married him thinking he would get better, but got on change as the habit as the second nature. The more often the quarrel took place in house instead. But sarada was well mannered & hid all her internal problems leaving everything, not blaming to anyone.
She hadn’t kept quiet just blaming her own fortune, has all attempts to improve his nature but it was too late, had been mounld roughly in the hand of unskillful. Her eyes couldn’t wet the clay & gave any certain shape. He would hear no suggestion & said, “Don’t think as other to be under their wives. I have also friends. Wife is not only everything in the world.” Sarada keeps quiet gulping the draught of tears.
The money by Samir could support the meal for morning & evening before they had children. As the members of family increase the food of mother & daughter-in-law lessens. Their stomachs get tightened along with the growth of their children. He had no knowledge of family & social life. Roaming with friends was sufficient for him.
He had two children by the four years of his marriage. They were hardly providing food for these two’s children but what would they do when they would have more children? Once she complained with him being worried by this possible problem. He scolded in return getting hurt in his supposed dignity of being male. I ever asked you to bring your fathers property? “How did you dare me to suggest for surgery saying that the children are still small? Why are you trying to make me a eunuch? They aren’t living by your earning, living by mine.”
“I don’t care anything happens but I don’t go for surgery.”
“Otherwise I got for it.” She determines not to born other children.
“I don’t care whatever you do.”
How fortunate the males are. Neither they neither have to keep any child for ten months in their womb nor should give them birth. But also the names of children are hanged under their names. Only mothers should take even the responsibility of taking their care. They think they are doing a great welfare of their family if they earn a little money. Is it right to respect them as fathers when they hesitate to share the burdens of their wives? Today, Samir, wrapped by the name of make sent his wife for the surgery for her womb making her a scapegoat though he could do on himself.
Sharada underwent of her womb surgery but got no days to rest by her work. Who would take the responsibilities of her children, sick mother in-laws the household works? She underwent her all works with half stomach of meal. Samir had no care of these all. He was in his own world. If wife said anything, he would punish her giving only one third of his poor salary & arose a quarrel in house.
Perhaps Samir had hardly passed four nights of his leisure at his home. He would get up late in the morning & hurried to go to office. Sharada never knew Samir come straight to his house after office time. He would come to house in the midnight even on holidays. The children would suppose him as a stranger for he was never close to him.
Samir feels different coming closer to his home. He feels shy to show his face & thinks to go away from his house but arrives to the yard being blended in the love of family. He stops right at the place when he hears a quarrel in his house. Children were crying. Wife was mumbling. He tries to reach to the depth of the quarrel hearing the mumble of Sharada.
“I wished to find me dead but the death doesn’t hear me. Father is always busy in drinking dog’s urine.” ‘How can I provide milk to these creatures of hell?’ During the morning, troubled by asking for fruity. As if they are living only for food.”
“Why do your curse to the children? How they know you don’t have money. Even the big people can’t control them seeing the delicious food. These are still small.” The old mother says clasping the grandson & daughter.
“What can I do to them? I have neither any money. He had thrown a thousand rupees at me for a month’s expenses. Marriage gift had to be bought for two places in this month He needs no society. I need it for me. It’s not good to be isolated from the society. Their father says he wants to have milk tea for he has earned for this. (Pointing to children with anger) These evil spirits dig to find it wherever I keep a little of a packet of milk saving for tomorrow for their father.”
“What can they do? Poor Children! They haven’t seen any sign of white (milk) after leaving their mother’s breast,” she (grandmother) feels pity towards the children.
“They should have luck to have milk. Perhaps they could have milk if the money spend in drinking wine was saved.”
Father pays more attention to wet his throat more than wetting the childish throat of his children. Father is gobbling wine sitting in the restaurant now having no care of the condition. The heart crushes into pieces hearing the scream of the children. What use of giving birth when they can’t get enough food to survive?” She keeps on mumbling.
He feels falling from the roof listening to his wife. His intuition disdains to himself. “Uselsess mind! How mean I am! It’s already my half age. The children are growing day by day. How to live in front of them tomorrow? Poor Sharada! She had hardly tolerated. If this is the situation. “I should go to beg in old age. Now, I don’t trouble my family at any cost. (He realized the family)
Now his soul gets a little relief when he determines not to repeat such mistakes again. The sobbing sounds coming out form the infant throats are felt like the lightening on his heart. A rain of self-humiliation bursts from his eyes. He gets inside flowing in the tears of self-humiliation. He starts to flow his tears putting children on his chest, drawing from the lap of his mother. Children scream with fear by not understanding the fatherly affection. Children begin to how with their mouth open. His mother & wife look at him astonishing themselves.