"True Love"

Respected Sister,

Loving Namaskar. Hope all of you are well there by the blessing of Almighty God Pashupatinath. We are also well. A sister being frustrated by the materialistic pleasure, is expressing her distressed feeling to the mother like sister through a letter. Hope you will understand my sufferings without feeling bore. And hope you will guide to some other people who are missing their way like me, through this letter.

How great difference was in our nature, & thoughts though we were grown in the same atmosphere & by the same hands? I am always having the flashes of your personality & the events of those days in my mind. You would always accept even the great problems happily & I would always wander for pleasure. The desire of materialistic pleasure, high ambition & the attraction of the western culture had rooted in me from the childhood. If I say truly, I would think just for today & only for my own pleasure. I didn't even like to listen the word "tomorrow?" My life became like a terrible night more when I landed in the reality from the sky of momentary pleasures where my life was entangled.

I had no knowledge on the importance of mother & motherland. I didn't know what the love of country was. I am wandering today for Nepaleseness while I was enjoying following the western cultures in those days. How much would I dominate you while you talked proudly supporting Nepalese language & cultures? Many times we had had dispute between you & me on in favour of & against our own country. Today, I am realizing that the pleasure attained from the love of won country was true. Do you remember how much trouble I would create in the house understanding everything in negative way? There was a great dispute even about my marriage. Mother, Seeing my activities inclined to western cultures, would be vexed all the time, "Oh God! It will be better to die for us if the daughter of marriageable age will be worthless because of her natures." The more my mother would talk in such way, the more would it support my feelings. I thought what there could be to be proud in the culture in which daughter were supposed to be sold. But I think today, selling of daughters didn't mean to take money by the parents. Day by day the feeling of love towards my motherland was lessened entangling in such trivial matters.

How worried my father was by my insisting nature. He was always saying in case the storm would come in our marital life. But the ambition of Rajesh was also not less! So that he managed the training here for two years giving bribe in the office. We were really happy in those days. My feet were in the air knowing my dream about to come true. We had decided not to return for two years while coming from there. Everybody in those days said I was a lucky person. Only you had said at that time, "Oh! warriors of mother Nepal! Builders of country! When you will have knowledge!You had abused to Rajesh at that time, hadn't you? He had got angry with you at the time of returning. He had even said me, "There is jealous in your sister seeing our pleasure & happiness." We had also a quarrel. But your words have choked me now. We are always remembering you & your words these days. More than other, the words you said at the airport are chasing us. Actually, they were the real feeling. "When does Nepal get changed when all the educated people like you who can contribute for nation, go to other countries? Oh Nepal! the mother, to what sort of great people did you give birth? I request you to return immediately after the training completes. All the glittering things aren't diamond, do you understand? It's like not to know peoples' natures by their faces alone. You will know all the flaws in the country only when you study living there & you will experience with the thirst of fresh air that you miss. You have to imagine just to get the shadow of this country gradually."

"Sister! In fact, we are imagining now but also we can't play on the lap of our mother though we want. I can't imagine I may die without seeing for one who gave me birth. Rajesh's mother also passed away last year. He couldn't take part even in obsequies being a son. Just he didn't eat salt. So that I have always fear, sister! The tears felled from the eyes of those two mothers for getting their son & daughter being away from them and the disobedience to the rituals according Hindu religion, may bring some ominious result. Perhaps this is Nepaleseness & Hindu culture. I am nauseated now seeing the life style & culture. I always have fear in case I will die by not seeing the face of the mother who gave birth & life.

Sister, I passed here ten years of my life with great struggle. We would forget almost everything sometimes because of the problem of job & sometimes the problem of study. I would earn when Rajesh studied & Rajesh would earn when I studied. The children also grew up in the same way. Both of us have got doctorate in our study. We could pay the debt of our motherland if we contributed our study for the nation but….

All the children grown are up now. The eldest daughter is seventeen, other is fifteen & the son is twelve years old. It's twenty years of our alienation. What ever effort we made to be modern following the western culture, the Nepalese mentality has not left us yet since we waited to give birth to a son though we had already two daughters & fortunately we got too.

We had some better days after ten years of coming here. The economic condition also had got better. We passed the next seven years with joy & happiness. We freely started to succeed our dream. After that we are passing these two-three years with much mental distresses.

Now these all pleasures have been felt as doom days not only for me but also for Rajesh. Only the word of 'Nepal' can communicate joys in our heart if it is heard from somewhere. Otherwise there is nothing except the beating of hearts. Neither we have any enthusiasm nor joys. How, there is only the love of Nepal. Nothing more.

Whatever the modern we want to be, wouldn't be acceptable in the case of daughters. We made a great mistake by keeping them away from our own civilization. We had no knowledge that the duties of parents were to teach their children about the country, culture, civilization & their religions. If we say (I teach them today), they take it as a disgusting matter for their lives have also been mingled & coloured with the cultures of the same country. How to remind them now! If we talk about country, they say, "We born here, this is our country." They ridicule if we talk about our culture & religion. In fact, this all is by our own mistake. Their inclination is towards the religion of this country. They say it a legend if we talk about Ramayana & Mahabharat (the greatest holy books of Nepal). They befool us if we say the greatness of deities. To say the truth, none of our children have crossed any rites formally. Neither the rite of keeping name has been done yet.
It was too late when our eyes were opened. It wasn't that we didn't try to return to Nepal at that time but the daughter insisted not to return. The children here, don't stay under the control of their guardians as in Nepal when they grow up. As well as, we thought the grown up daughter, coloured by the western civilization, might not get the right place in Nepal. We couldn't play any role against her future. We are living here bearing all the punishment thinking the children would be out of the way due to our mistake. We are feeling this place as a hell now. Neither here is any love & affection of relatives nor any felling of own ness. What there could be anything for us when the country itself wasn't ours?

Peace & happiness couldn't be bought by money as the materialist is pleasures. In fact, the contentment was one & all the sources of happiness. People say even loath-sugar tastes bitter if it is eaten more. You had said, "How long do you wander for a momentary pleasure? The present is not all, it's long to live. First, try to understand the meaning of living if you think jut living is everything. Do you know the insects have any existence? You should know to live as a human, getting birth as a human. One should die leaving a distinct existence & identity as a human being. Living for self is an animal. Should live for the welfare & the country & society.

Yes, sister, how happy the mother Nepal would be every Nepali as you have if there was the feeling in. But unworthy people (like us) got birth in this holy land. What did we know more than selling the name of the motherland?

Your words always echo in my ears, "Every thing has its good & evil aspect. You haven't seen the evil deed bred by freedom." How far-sighted you were! Perhaps we have also become able to think something. We have been suffered from the worries of future, these days. In fact, we are animals. Still we are worried only about us.

There is no point in thinking that the children grown up here will support in our old age. We can't return to Nepal now, leaving the children keeping them nowhere. Certainly, we will return to Nepal after they get settled in their life. We doubt, will the motherland accept our useless old bodies who dedicated their blood & sweat to alien country in their youth ? Sister, please beg our pardon with the mother, Nepal.

We haven't go to speak Nepali language being Nepalese. Sometimes if we speak, children get angry thinking we are scolding them. If I cook Nepali food, the daughter ridicules saying, "This is why Nepalese women haven't improved their lives."

When to get time for some other works when I have to pass four hours to prepare the feed for morning & four hours in the evening? I would also say the same to Nepalese women when I was in Nepal, wouldn't I? But I could fill my thirst these days if I could get only the flavour of Nepali food. 

I had a lot of insults thrown on Nepalese hearts by the alien people, but it's not possible to write all. Definitely, I will say all the suffering I have, coming there if I get an opportunity in my life to come to Nepal. I close my letter requesting to forgive & dedicating a great reverence to her. (Nepal)

Unlucky sister
Sita

* Published in Garima